Tuesday, February 18, 2014


The winter fucking blues.


They seem to have crept up on me, but they're here. It's cold, it's grey, it's wet and windy - to be expected for this corner of the world, at this time of the year, yes. But it feels like it's been cold, grey, wet and windy for five months now. Oh wait, that's because it has been. With a good couple of months more to go.


This morning I received an email from Shutterfly, about a free offer of 101 prints. This is perfect for catching up on the backlog of photos I need printed for our photo album, and an offer that I occasionally take up, so I opened up our iPhoto library to start compiling.

The trouble was, it had been a while since I last got a big batch printed and so I needed to dig out the fat envelopes sitting next to our photo albums - still waiting to be dated and ordered, then placed in an album - to see where I was up to in the backlog.

The photos I've just sorted through were from November 2011 to August 2012. From memory, when I received them I was happy to (then) be only a year behind in printing photos... and then promptly placed them next to the albums, delaying the dating (which I like to do, in case the photos get misplaced or handed over to the Faery and Miss Pie down the track, so that they'll know how old they were).

This means I've just finished the excruciating process of putting about a hundred photos in order and writing dates on their backs - necessitating a trip down memory lane.

The majority of the photos were from the winter period of 2011-2012, and the contrast between life in Washington and life in California has never felt so stark. The photos were full of blue skies, palm trees, turquoise swimming pools, sun-kissed limbs and golden-freckled faces. T-shirts and skirts weren't just theoretical, they were actually worn on warmer days in winter.

It didn't take long today for it to start physically hurting as I picked up each printed photo. Life in L.A. wasn't perfect, but it was still pretty sweet.

I've been trying to convince myself for some time that life in Seattle is better for us. J's the happiest he's ever been with a job, our finances are slowly improving, the air is cleaner, the schools are better... and let's not forget the coffee.

However, it's harder to focus on those things lately. Perhaps I'm just being an ungrateful whiner, but all I seem to focus on right now is the cold crappy weather, that I have little in the way of friends here, and that my current job is one that I don't particularly love.

I'm not feeling happier here. I think I was happier there.

I want to be happier here.

I don't know what the solution is, but all I want to do is eat my feelings with pastries, doughnuts and chocolate. That's part of the problem, I know. I need to get into exercise again, but the weather isn't exactly inspiring me, and the yoga classes I've looked into seem to clash with school.

Meanwhile, I continue to put on the happy face I'm so good at putting on, because that's what I do.

Maybe it's time I googled Vitamin D lamps...


  1. Oh, Mad, this made me ache for you.

    You are so resilient and amazing. I think you and I both know I would have been in a psych ward by now. I admire you SOOOO MUCH.

    I truly hope you can find your groove. Spring is coming, honey. Hold tight.

    As a side note, isn't it crazy that L.A. seemed to suit you better. On the face of it, you definitely seem more Seattle, right? But the power of consistently good weather should not be underestimated.

    Sending love, lady. You're such a good wifey. xxx

    1. I think you sell yourself WAY too short, love! From what I see, you're doing so much to support B during these student years. We do what we've got to do, to make a the future more secure, right? But thank you for the sentiments. It gave me a warm fuzzy glow to read.

      Meanwhile, tomorrow is forecast to be a balmy fifteen degrees. Double digits, baby! xxx

  2. Awww Mads, I hope some nice weather hits soon. It's so true that the weather effects our mood though isn't it? I'm glad things are looking a little rosier on the job front. You really are amazing Mads, how you have adapted to this life of yours and On a side note, you may think you are behind with family photos. Seriously I have barely printed anything since changing to digital around the time Lucas was born. It's dismal, and the time keeps marching on putting me so far behind...I'm going to start wading through the mountains of images. xxx

    1. It is so daunting trying to catch up on mountains of photos to be printed. I can only imagine the wonderful shots that must be awaiting to be framed and hung in your place!

      You are a sweetheart xxx

  3. You know I think you are the unsung hero of this journey your family is taking (not unsung by Daddy J - I'm sure he is incredibly appreciative of all you do - but unsung in the wider world, not getting the accolades and support one gets from a 'career' job). It took me a while to move past the "I was happier in London" voices in my head and I still hear them. But, home is where your family is. I know this is an older post but I still wanted to comment - hope the new job is giving you a new sense of optimism. We're heading into Winter here and Cam is going to the world cup for the month of June.... I have a feeling a lot of wine will be drunk in June.....

    1. Thanks, lovely. I'm sorry I'm only just seeing these older comments (I keep forgetting to check, and anything older than two weeks goes into a bit of a vault that waits for moderation - must fix that!).

      World Cup, you say? Yes, keep that wine flowing - you'll have earned it!