Monday, May 2, 2011

Not deep

These are the questions on my mind at the moment. Deep stuff, I know...

1. Why do most shoe stores not stock my size? I'm tall, but hardly a freak of nature. Shoe shopping puts me in a foul mood, especially when dealing with smug ho sale assistants who do their best to imply that I am a freak of nature. Hos.

2. Why do toddlers refuse to sleep a wink on long car trips, yet frequently nod off three minutes before arriving home - even when just coming back from the shops?

3. Why can't I find double cream (or even plain old thick cream) in LA? Why are my only options either watery 'whipping' cream, or sickly sweet processed crap from an aerosol can? Sigh. Even Whole Foods and Trader Joe's have failed me here.

4. How much snot can a toddler produce? Seriously?

5. Why do I find Jon Stewart (from The Daily Show)  strangely attractive?

6. Why can't I be sensible and go to bed at an earlier time each night? Not that 10.30 or 11pm is bad, but I'll never get that nine-hour stretch of sleep I want from a morning lie-in. Not. Going. To happen.

7. Why do small children think that 6.30-7am is a perfectly acceptable time to start the day?

8. Why haven't Ben & Jerry's made an ice cream flavour with whipped cream cheese yet? Just sayin'...

I don't expect anyone to have the answers, but please amuse me with your ideas anyway - that comment box below is waiting especially for you.


  1. 1. If you find the answer, then do tell me because I'd love to know.

    2. Because they are perverse.

    3. I've got no idea and I will certainly never take an ordinary tub of cream for granted again after reading this.

    4. Snot production is often in inverse proportion to severity of illness (ie at its worst towards the end of the virus). Since toddlers catch at least 25 viruses a year, all running into each other, I would estimate that the amount of snot a toddler could produce would be enough to fill several Olympic swimming pools or umpteen dozen aerosol cans to be sold to the unsuspecting public as Cheez Whiz. Oh, I think I just made myself vomit.

    5. Because he's hot.

    6. Because that time in the evening is the only time you have to yourself to clip your nails, colour your hair, clean out your underwear drawer, watch TV, eat treaties without having to share, talk on the telephone or just sit and stare at the wall without interruption.

    7. For that matter, why do small children think 4.30 - 5.00am is a good time to start the day? Sorry, not wanting to one up you ... just wanting God or anyone to answer me and tell me WTF I'm doing wrong here.

    8. They're experimenting with savoury flavours at the moment perhaps? When anchovy falls through, they'll decide to give whipped cream cheese another go.

  2. Thanks for the giggles! Cheez Whiz snot? I think you just made me vomit, too.

    Sorry the boys are waking so early - that's truly horrendous.

  3. 1. Haters gonna hate. Hos gonna ho. Oh and you're a behemoth.

    2. Blame Murphy. It was his law.

    3. I'm with Mel. And you have my condolences. Best not to mention King Island dairy at this point then?

    4. Mel DID make me vomit. My additional question is - Why does snot smell so bad on a sick toddler? Normally, I would not classify snot as being a thing that has a smell at all.

    5. I feel the same way about Shaun Micallef.

    6. Because you'll sleep when your dead? Hey, Jon Bon told me.

    7. Yeah, 6.30-7am? Really? That's a whole 3 hours more than the Zee deems necessary for functioning. So pfffft to your question, lady.

    8. I'd be sending a letter. This madness can't be allowed to go on.

  4. More giggling here... and much relief that my day does not begin at 4am. That's shite.

    Now go and enjoy your King Island dairy. And think of me.