Automatic for the people

I'm beginning to have real 'issues' with American toilets. Not the ones in homes, but public ones.

It's got nothing to do with germs or hygiene, either.

It's all about the flush factor.

You see, the lack of cistern/tank at the back of public toilets here means that they all more or less look the same. Unless there is an actual lever to pull, it's difficult to tell at a glance as to whether or not it's an automatic toilet. Just a small cylinder with pipes, and a few round buttons... or what appear sometimes to be a flush button, but is actually nothing of use.

(Photo source)

We all know what automatic toilets mean - getting one's privates splashed at times by an unexpected flush, if hovering for just a second too long between sitting and standing. I first found out the hard way when using a toilet at the airport in Amsterdam. Given the amount of Mary Jane consumed that day (hey, I was young!), to say I was freaked out is an understatement.

So there you go. I don't like automatic toilets... but if there's one thing worse than an automatic toilet, it's not being able to tell.

I like to be prepared, and know how quickly to get my butt up and away. Knowing in advance that a toilet is automatic helps to avoid those cold splashes of shock.

Unfortunately, most public toilets look the same. Too often, I go about my business and hurriedly retreat, waiting for the flush... and waiting... to realise it's not automatic. Then begins the fun of trying to locate a button on the pipes at the back. Sometimes it's easy to see, sometimes it's well-camouflaged - one of several round, shiny surfaces on the pipe.

Sometimes the small black circle is a motion sensor. Sometimes it's a manual flush button.

You know, signage or labels wouldn't hurt, would they? Or maybe it's just me.

Having had family in town this past week has meant that we've been out and about every day, and have had to rely on using public toilets from time to time. The odds of me getting peeved with my 'awkward' toilet encounters were quite high.

Please. Someone tell me I'm not alone in hating these modern American loos, or whatever you call them.
I'm not weird, I'm really not...

Toilets aren't the only things of an automatic nature that are prolific here. It seems that in most restrooms, the taps (faucets) and soap dispensers have motion sensors too. Again, I often feel stupid when waving my hand around under the tap, waiting for that stream of water to start. Sometimes, waiting... then realising the tap is faulty and I need to move on to another one.

Then there are the paper towel dispensers that have motion sensors.

Only this morning, I saw a video taken by some friends of mine, in a parents room, changing their daughter's nappy. Some genius had thought it would be perfect to place the paper towel dispenser flush level alongside the baby change table. Brilliant! Every time my friend's baby kicked her legs, more paper would churn out of the dispenser. It was noisy, got in the way of her legs, and scared her - making her kick her legs more, starting the cycle all over again. Painful and funny to watch.

The argument that these 'advances' in technology are great for hygiene makes me laugh. What's the point in avoiding touching those things, if in the end, you still need to touch the doors to get out?

This need for things to be automatic - to have one less button here to push, one lever less there to pull... does it really improve our quality of life? Especially for such trivial tasks? I can't help but wonder about the culture of laziness that's inspired this technology.

A year in La La Land

It's been a year since we stumbled bleary-eyed through the gates at LAX and arrived here. In the spirit of this milestone, I thought I'd list some of the good and bad about life in La La Land so far. Not in any particular ranking...


Things that amuse me

1. The advertising for prescription medicine
I'm guessing there are federal guidelines which state that medication can't be advertised on TV, radio, or in print media unless the risks and side effects are clearly stated. All the commercials I've seen for various anti-depressants, contraceptive pills and so on have a large portion where the negative risks are mentioned. Call me crazy, but when I've just listened to 30 seconds where possible nausea, blurred vision, diarrhea, incontinence and worse are mentioned as possible side effects... I'm not really tempted to buy or ask for this product. Also, given that prescription medicines aren't advertised in Australia or the UK, the fact that they are even advertised here has always struck me as odd: Doctor, I don't want that brand of anti-depressant, I want this one that I saw on TV. I may not have a medical degree but I'm sure I know better than you because I saw the ad for it...

2. Commonly used euphemisms
Bath tissue = toilet paper, nursing = breastfeeding, restroom = public toilet
Toilet is an embarrassing word to use? Or maybe it's considered distasteful - I haven't figured it out. And breastfeeding? Really? This makes me laugh because there's a stereotype of Brits as being prudish, yet they have no problem using these words - and Australians definitely don't have a problem with them. But then, we can be a crude bunch.

3. Drive-through ATMS
Enough said.

4. Squirrels
I stalked them obsessively in London parks when we lived there - feeding them by hand - and I stalk them here when I see them, too. Which is often.

5. Nickels and dimes
I can never remember which ones are 5c or 10c coins, so I'm always thrown when someone refers to a nickel or dime during cash transactions (it doesn't help that the 10c coins are significantly smaller than the 5c coins). I know I'm not stupid, so I'm going to use the old - and convenient - 'baby brain' excuse. Let's overlook that fact that Miss Pie is now a toddler.


Things that will make me grumble

1. The health care system
I don't have the space here to rant about it, but simply put? It's woefully inadequate. The paperwork involved, and the time spent finding the appropriate doctor who actually accepts the health plan you're on is frustrating at the very least. I wouldn't want to be a person on a low income in the US. Free basic health care should be a given. For everyone.

2. High fructose corn syrup
Sure, food is really cheap here, and there's a reason for that - high fructose corn syrup. It's BAD for you, and in most of the food - unless you take the time to seek out the food that hasn't got it. Annoying.

3. Los Angeleno drivers
They seem oblivious to what an indicator is, they really do.

4. The coffee
Thick, tasteless foam in lattes and cappuccinos - yuck. I prefer my lattes creamy in texture - and with actual flavour - but my standards are gradually slipping and I'm becoming more accepting of how it is here.

5. American date format
Month/day/year? Sequentially, so illogical. After a year, I still have trouble writing it this way, and on more than one occasion I've had to tear up cheques I've written because of this.


Things that I love

1. Amazon.com
We had access to Amazon in the UK as well, and I missed it when we went back to Australia. In those days, it was mostly books and music that were sold; these days, it's everything. Good prices and fast, cheap - if not free - shipping. What's not to love?

2. Trader Joe's
This grocery store is right up there with Whole Foods in my book, and their staff are so much friendlier. Their service is genuinely cheerful, and their food presented so appealingly. An early morning weekend visit there is always a happy start to the day.

3. Inn-N-Out Burgers
The tastiest fast food. EVER. All made from scratch on the premises, too.

4. America's love affair with peanut butter
A year ago, I'd have said that there's peanut butter found in places it has no business being in, but I've now embraced this. Peanut butter cookies, peanut butter ice cream with peanut butter cups, peanut butter-filled pretzels... I am a convert. My most recent discovery is the Tagalongs/Peanut Butter Patties (Girl Scout Cookies). To die for.

5. No more freaky creepy crawlies 
I saw my first American cockroach only last week, and it was tiny. It may just be that our apartment building is fairly new - so the pests have yet to move in - however, going a year without seeing a cockroach in Sydney would be unheard of. In the old terraced houses that we'd rented there, cockroaches were a fact of life. As were hideously fat stripy slugs, and an assortment of nasty spiders. Just the memory of brown huntsman spiders that gallop is enough to make me shudder. I'm not saying that Los Angeles hasn't got its own nasties; I just haven't encountered any yet. Here's hoping I don't!

Misunderstanding #1

The toilet - AKA  the loo, porcelain throne, dunny... or potty

When the Faery began attending preschool over here, there was much excitement. At the time, we were still waiting for our container of belongings to arrive. Although we decided not to bring all of our treasures - and got rid of a lot of things before The Big Move - the one room which had every item packed for shipping was the Faery's. I figured that whatever she'd outgrown, would be used again for Miss Pie.

So we waved goodbye to the big truck, and six crazy weeks raced by. Six crazy weeks of staying in various places, saying goodbye to our friends and family, a fourteen-hour flight, living in a hotel room (all four of us!) and looking for our own place to rent. By the time we'd settled in to our apartment, the Faery was well and truly over living out of just the one small suitcase of her favourite toys and books. She was over having no play mates. She was gagging for preschool, and we were lucky to find a great one, close to home.

After she'd been going for a week or two, we were walking home one day and she shared with me, "Mum, in America, when children want to go to the toilet, they say 'I want to go party'."

I had to stop and think about that one. 

Then it came to me: 

- Firstly, for some reason, American kids don't say toilet. They say potty, whereas in Australia, a potty is strictly the smaller, mobile, plastic version used for purposes of toilet-training kids. Potty-training, if you're American. Go potty = go to the toilet.

- Secondly, the way Australians say party, and the way Americans say potty? They sound exactly the same. Either way, it's /pɑːti / 

(Unless you're from New Jersey. Then, it'd probably be /pɔːwti / ...sorry - years spent as an English language teacher mean I can't help myself at times, and the nerd in me rears her head when phonetics are involved. I have so little need for them these days.)

Anyhow, that was one of the Faery's introductions to toilet lingo in the US. Between myself, J and the Faery, we've each had some misunderstandings - some awkward, and some funny - so I will try to share them here from time to time.

And speaking of toilets, I am still getting used to the American ones. Something about the wider bowl and the closer proximity of - ahem - contents to the surface. Turning around to flush, there seems to be much more on view than I really want to see...

Hell doesn't have public toilets

Last night, J and I attempted to stay up and see 2011 in. We had a bottle of Moët & Chandon to share, cheese and crackers on hand, kids tucked up in bed... and the TV. The plan? To watch the Times Square Ball drop at midnight.

I'm not even sure why we thought this would be a good idea. For a start, it wasn't even live. Well, it was when it was recorded, of course, but there's a 3-hour time difference between New York and L.A. so by the time it aired at midnight in L.A., it would be old news in New York. I knew, at 9pm, that the ball had already dropped. Kind of took a little of the fun out of waiting to see it.

Anyhow, we refilled our glasses of the bubbly, and pressed on. Unable to commit to one channel, we kept switching between the coverage on NBC and ABC, depending on commercials, and which performer happened to be on. If I see Willow Smith lip-syncing her song and giving precocious answers to interviewers one more time, I will scream.

But I digress. We drank our bubbly, chatted, made observations, and continued watching. Whereas once upon a time, the old me would have loved to experience being in a place like Times Square on New Year's Eve, I honestly couldn't think of anything worse now. Huge crowds, in freezing conditions? Without public toilets? That's my idea of hell.

By about 11.30, my eyes could barely stay opened. The champagne hadn't helped. I decided bed was the only sensible place to be...  proof that I'm no spring chicken any more. I can't recall a single NYE - at least since childhood - where I was in bed before midnight.

Thinking about the cold conditions, I have to admit to being envious of friends and family in Australia. Although Christmas in the northern hemisphere is magical and the cosiness of being indoors, or rugging up and watching your breath fog up in the crisp air when venturing outside is rather lovely, New Year's Eve celebrations are so much better when the air is balmy and warm. Whether outside, down by the water and watching the Sydney fireworks display (with public toilets around, of course!) or relaxing under the stars at a friend's party, for me, there's nothing like a summery New Year's Eve. Barefoot, naturally.

Can't have it both ways, though. Not unless one is filthy rich and jets around the world frequently.

As for the Times Square Ball drop? I did eventually see it after a search on YouTube and was a little underwhelmed. I realise YouTube wouldn't have done it justice, and I'm probably biased, but I suspect that Sydney put on a far better show for the revellers.

However, today, the first day of 2011, I did see something impressive - the Rose Parade in Pasadena. It was broadcast live so we once again put the TV on for a good old glimpse into some Americana that we're not necessarily living. If we'd been more organised, we could have seen it in person because we live so close to Pasadena. I don't think the almost one-year-old or four-year-old would have appreciated it, but for me? Marching bands? Floats with dogs boogie boarding on mini water streams? B-2 stealth jets flying overhead? That's out of the ordinary, for sure. I wonder if there were public toilets there...