Friday, January 20, 2012

The creature

Some days, it's hard to ignore the creature in my head that whispers things I don't want to hear. Maybe it's because the truth hurts, I don't know.

This creature whispers that I'm lazy because I've been in no hurry to return to teaching. That I'm lazy for being put off by the idea of searching for, and then juggling a job, day care, and a school run. Plenty of people do it, why can't you? What's wrong with you?

It hisses that I'm a financial burden to J, and the reason why we still can't get ahead. All your doing - stop making excuses. Just get a job already.

It reminds me - frequently - that I'm pathetic. When did you become such a passive lump? When did you start relinquishing important decisions to others? You're not just 'going with the flow'... that's just you in denial. Stop sleepwalking. Stop 'letting' life happen and take control.

It also whispers that I'm not good enough with my girls, that they deserve more of my attention. Engage, engage, engage. Stop going on auto-pilot.

This creature is not my friend, but I listen anyway and suspect it speaks the truth... I have an uneasy feeling I've been taking a backseat in my own life, and for a while at that. Hardly the model of being pro-active.

So... Operation Find-An-Evening-Job is underway. I'm not sure how exactly, when all my qualifications and certificates are sitting in an unidentified box, stored away in Sydney (packed away by accident in the newborn-induced fog shortly before The Big Move). I figure that if I can get some references emailed to me, that will be a start, and then I can look into private tutoring - adults who need help with their English grammar, vocabulary, pronunciation and so on. I've tutored before and it seems the most ideal fit for now.

Hopefully, when Operation Find-An-Evening-Job is successful, that creature in my head will leave me the fuck alone. It's been a little over two years since I last worked and contributed financially, and I think that's part of the problem with where my head is at these days.

I don't value myself as much, and something has to give - that something is me, so I can stop feeling as though I'm only taking.

Wish me luck.


  1. That voice is familiar, that's all I can say.

    But for what it's worth, don't lose sight of the fact that what you are doing right now with the girls is vitally important. I know how easy it can be to think that others are doing this mothering gig better than you. I wonder sometimes if most of us have these thoughts every now and then. I think we probably do, no matter what combination of paid and unpaid work we have.

    I remember being on maternity leave and feeling like nothing I did mattered. There was no money. The house looked the same in the evening as it did in the morning. Sometimes worse. I was sure that when I went back to work I would feel better but still there's not much money and the other feelings remain. Only now, they include anxieties over stuff at the office I can't deal with and things that I miss when the kids are sick and just normal shit that I get behind on because I'm not in there full time.

    Sorry about the rambling comment - what I should have said right up front is that tutoring is a great idea for you and I am sure you would have no trouble finding work that way. I wish you well with getting that going but just wanted to say that I hear you ... on so many levels.

    1. Oh, but I always love your rambling comments. And you're supposed to be on holiday! So that's a double thanks from me for taking the time to read and comment.

      That feeling that whatever we do, it's never good enough... it's crippling at times, isn't it? And I hate comparing myself to others - for the most part, I try not to, but I slip now and then, and this is where it gets me. Silly.

      You've got no idea what a surprise it is to hear that these feelings are familiar to you... I'm sorry that they are, yet in a way, it's a little comforting to know that someone as smart as you also falls prey to such self doubt. One day we'll stop questioning ourselves, right? Hopefully, sooner than later. x

  2. Oh babe, the creature lives in all of us. It may vary in what it tells each of us but always, it whispers.

    For me, returning to work has never been on the radar. A fleeting thought at best but mostly, I can see that the financial gain would be minimal for us.

    But that I should be doing more? With the kids? With Bren? In the home? With my writing?

    Constant whispering, at all times. Seriously.

    The tutoring sounds ideal and it sounds like you need it for YOU as well as anything else.

    Tell the creature to hush.


    1. Thanks, lovely. I'm trying to hush it, I am... but here's the rub. I don't particularly want to tutor. It just happens to be the most 'practical' solution, for want of a better word. This induces the whispering taunts of 'lazy'... sigh. But you're right, I need to do something for me, and in the long run - once I push myself - it'll hopefully work out for the best. Just have to push myself...

    2. Oh, really? Well, then that's different. Sigh. What would you do if you could choose?

      I wonder if that's even an option for women with small children? A job she'd really love = luxury when the reality of school runs etc. are factored in.

      Thinking cap on, sweet. This little feeling is the impetus to find something for yourself - NOT the universe's way of calling you lazy.


    3. Factoring in the small kids and school runs, I'd love a job which requires no preparation - one that I can just walk in, do my job, and leave. Nothing to take home and do. Does such a job exist? Nothing that pays enough to make it worth my time to be away from the kids. I'd be happy doing a basic retail job, I honestly would - but I doubt the pay would be enough to cover day care costs, or that any retailer would let me have the ideal hours of just a few evenings without weekends. Yeah, call me picky...

      I just need to get over myself and stop finding reasons for it to be hard.